Hoo-rah Halloween food!

Thu seems to associate me with “novelty items” and “angst” above all else. Maybe that’s a fair assumption, because no holiday food gets me more excited than the Halloween season. You can’t pick up a soft drink, peanut butter cup or bag of Tater Tots during October without having monsters plastered all over the bag, or better yet, the food LOOKS like a monster. Or better yet, the food IS a monster, like the shrimp cocktail in Beetlejuice.

But let’s dispense with the pleasantries, and move on to the pretty pictures.

Okay, I wish this was a bigger image.  What’s important to know is that in the 50′s people thought you could sell more hot dogs if you made a federal case out of the fact that they (the hot dogs) were SKINLESS, (as it trumpets on the recipe card) and that you dress the meat tubes up as little witchy-poos, and stacked the rest like meaty Lincoln Logs.  I suppose you could pretend that the stack is a pyre of firewood, and re-enact “The Crucible” with Weeny as Elizabeth Proctor.

How can people hate Martha Stewart?  This vomiting pumpkin candy dispenser is in her latest Halloween magazine.  I know she doesn’t come up with the ideas, but it’s all approved by her.  That means some intern thought it would be funny to have a gourd puke Lemonheads into some eight-year olds hand.  And Martha agreed.  I love this thing.

The Peeps company never phones it in when it comes to the seasonal product.   Above, design your own Peep pumpkins with whatever wacky dogma you have stuck up your butt at the time, never mind that black frosting tastes like motor oil.   Below are the coveted Cocoa Bats.  They aren’t available this year, and I for one am RUINED about it.  First off, the sugar/cocoa flavor is to die for, and secondly: they are more than six inches wide.  That’s the biggest Peep that has been commercially made public.  No wonder they weren’t made again:  THEY WERE TAMPERING IN THE REALM OF THE GODS.

Ish.  These are both Jello molds, and it’s safe to say I don’t like Jello in little squares, and would hate pushing these monstrosities into my mouth.  I don’t want to eat the face of an Oopma Loompa youth pastor, nor do I want the hand 36 year old Hot Topic district manager.  Let’s leave these be.

If I have to explain why this is the best thing ever, then maybe we weren’t meant to be.

I’ll be back, Lumplings!