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Tonight I had a really bad night. I found out that my bike is irreparable unless really good looking parts are replaced. FART! This can’t be happening. So to comfort myself I bought some gummi worms. They cheer me up! But the gummi worms I purchased… may god have mercy on their tiny souls for the poor flavorings they offered me. TOO SHORT! TOO BLAND! I swear to Christ on his gosh darn cross one of them was cinnamon flavored. UNHEARD OF!!! This is horrible. Why am I telling all about this? To spread my misery? NO! and yes. I once thought there was no such thing as a bad gummi. I thought there was only good, better, and best gummis. Long, tender, sweet. Beware it is not so! OH GOD! You think you can trust a thingy and a thingy lets you down. People can break my heart all day long but a bad gummi? FOR CRYING IN A BUCKET!
So you know what else? I wanted to instead get for myself a consistant and reliable snack condiment: coleman’s mustard, the best mustard. The store was closed! WHY ME! You know what else is bad? TEENAGERS. They’re too young. Why do they dress like that? Do they know they look SO STUPID?
Hey guys! Who wants to know what kind of food I’ve been eating? Well I don’t know, it’s the usual crap. BUT soon I WILL be eating the plentiful product of today’s pickling party with Peter van Hyning. Today we made dilly beans, pickled carrots, pickled garlic, and pickles. Justin Stewart was here too.
How today went, first I slept in and then Peter and Justin went to the store to buy the vegetables, garlic, and cans for pickling. In addition to finding the necessary pickling parts, they met a beautiful and enchanting pickling goddess. So lucky they were to bump into her before she left the city this very night to pickle and can at an enchanted and beautiful farm upstate. Justin got her number. She knows everything about pickling and canning and had some great recommendations for them about pickling today. I personally don’t know what those recommendations are, I’ve heard only of her beauty, not of her practical pickling knowledge.
Anyways, in the meantime I went to buy dill flowers at the farmers market and I filled out a survey on sexual assault in Williamsburg in exchange for a hotdog (a ho hum hotdog). I also got a shit ton of vinegar. Peter and I then went to a Polish deli to get some pickling spices. As far as i can tell the Polish pickling secret recipe is mustard seed, coriander, bay leaves, whole nutmegs, and crushed cinnamon sticks. We also tossed in the dill flowers, a clove of garlic, and some crushed red pepper. Right around this time Justin Stewart left. To contemplate the beauty of the picking goddess in the privacy of his own home, I assume. I had a lunch of canned fish and Peter ate cheese and crackers.
So when you pickle you have to boil everything except the food and spices. You boil the cans and the lids. You boil the water and the salt. You boil everything after it’s sealed. But never the vegetables or seasonings. It’s totally wild. It’s like opposite cooking. Another opposite thing we did was like Peter was talking out of his ass. How very BACKWARDS! fun! For dinner we made a tuna noodle casserole and Peter spent my money on Fleetwood Mac’s Tusk. Soon we’ll watch The Fireman’s Ball. I think it’s funny that the porno version would be The Fireman’s Balls.
(I’d also like to add that this was actually LAST week’s activity but I was missing my camera cord and we just can’t post a blog without a visual hm? What I’m getting at is that those pickles are f*cking delicious. So flavorful. Now for the pictures…)
I’m taking what I hope will continue as a yearly summer work session in sunny western PA. The worst thing about western PA is the food. It is so glutenous. Western Pennsylvanian cuisine was founded in Ranch Dressing and built around wings and chicken -n- dumplings. Then it was wrapped in ham and cheescake and deep fried. OMG it is stupid delicious. My most recent wild grease consumption was with the Pittsburgh Pizza League at their #1 hang spot, Vincent’s Pizza, an establishment with great signage and great pizzas that you can eat with a spoon.
little kitty cat hands!
holding a pizza dough cloud with two sticks
Phil and Brett put on their pizza muscles
a pile of pizza
and here is a video of the saucy, wet Vinnie pie fresh out of the oven. after we finished this pizza, some chose to soak their crusts in the leftover lakes and rivers of red red greasy pizza leavings. mmm. accidental dr. pepper plug. but you know what i like dr p so it stays in.
Food is so good coming in that most people rarely think about it’s exit voyage. Or perhaps they only consider the necessity preventative measures. You know like nobody wants to drink too much coffee before they get on the plane or eat a spicy, greezee meal before their date with that special someone. But I personally like to think of all the great upcoming bowel movements I’ll be having when I eat a well balanced diet! And so I’d like to now present to you a recipe that will focus not on a delish taste sensation but instead on your pee pee. Let’s have fun with what goes in the potty!!!
You will need a juicer and these things for juicing:
BEETS! some Carrots! and Apples to make it taste good and juicey!
Juice those things! I typically do 2 beets, 1 carrot, 2 apples (cored)
And the entree shall include:
ASPARAGUS
Lightly steam these with some butter and salt/pepper to taste but be careful not to overcook! nice and crisp, that’s the ticket! Put an egg on it! Delicious!
Wasn’t that delicious and nutritious too? A pile of crisp asparagus stalks MMM! and some tasty beet juice to wash it all down. Now we wait. Perhaps a cup of coffee or some beer will speed the process………………………………………………..
DING! TIME TO PEE PEE! Isn’t it horrible? Aren’t you terrified? The beets have stained your pee red and the asparagus is well known for that terrible roadkill odor it produces in your pee pee. It’s like peeing carrion. It’s like peeing real gore. Are you dead inside? Haha! MAYBE! Aren’t you disgusted? You’ll freak so bad you’ll forget to wipe! Show that pee to your mom, maybe she will take you to the doctor and then you don’t have to go to school today because your insides are rotten. Feed this recipe to your unsuspecting friends and enemies! They will be confused!
Tell everyone that your pee pee brings the scent of DEATH because it will be true. It will also be funny because in the same area you can create life.
A little recipe I whipped up last summer:
email me for a printoutable size. lisa.ramsey@gmail.com!
